Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
im having a threesome with these popsicles
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
