I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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