just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
