Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Randomize
