with your own penis?
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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