You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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