This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
