if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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