i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
