i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
