we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
