I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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