I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
babies were throwing up all over the place
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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