she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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