allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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