he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
