I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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