Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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