A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
