i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
