You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
