hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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