Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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