My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
