I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
