Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
