I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
why do cheetos always look like penises
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
