i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
