God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
