Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
