she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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