Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
