Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
