see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
