Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
