we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
