I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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