I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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