Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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