dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
