We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize