6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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