it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
