I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
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