I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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