Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
