no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
