I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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