I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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