Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
